I’ll just come right out and admit it, I’ve had Botox.
I know what you’re thinking: “Great, another vain woman caving into societal pressure to look younger.” But my decision to jump onto the Botox bandwagon had less to do with “caving in” and more to do with “continuing to have a career.” It may seem a slight difference to you, but it is significant nonetheless, at least to me and my mortgage lender. You see, my face is important to my career. No, I’m not a mime, although imagine how pronounced frown lines would be with white cake make-up though. Now there’s an occupational group with legitimate reasons to go for the Botox.
When I’m not sitting at home writing and opening and closing the door for the dogs, I am a humorous motivational speaker and stand-up comic. It’s hard for me to get up on stage and tell an audience how to get in touch with their inner child when my face looks like its channeling my inner older person. So Botox was really a career move. At least that’s what I told the IRS.
You could come up with your own totally reasonable excuse for having some work done. Perhaps a younger looking face will help you get that big promotion you deserve but won’t get if you look like you’ll need nap breaks during executive meetings. Perhaps your crows’ feet spell out your ex’s name when seen from afar. I’m sure you can come up with something believable. Besides, thirty-somethings get Botox all the time. They’re so afraid of looking their age, which is silly, considering we’re the ones who look their age.
I didn’t have my procedure done at one of those Botox parties you may have read about in the paper or women’s magazines. There are certain things I don’t enjoy doing at parties – disco dancing, buying lingerie, pretending to be able to tell “French Vanilla” and “Plain Vanilla” candles apart, holding a breast pump and not mentioning how painful it looks… Having needles stuck into my face ranks right at the top of the list. Besides, I live in a small town. The closest thing I could find to a Botox party was some suspect chicken being served at my neighbor’s barbecue.
You may also be considering jumping into the Botox chair yourself and you may wonder what it’s really like to go “under the needle.” I’m going to tell you. Because if I share my experiences with you in print, then I can not only write off my Botox, I can profit from it! Now that’s what I call win-win. I’d smile if I could.
Let me address some of the most common questions:
1. Does it hurt? Yes, a little. If I had to rank the pain between stubbing your toe and birthing a ten pound baby, I’d put it closer to stubbing your toe. Not that I have any experience whatsoever with the latter, although I have been told long, long, long, horrible stories by women, including my mother. If you’ve ever had your bikini area waxed, you’ll find Botox injections no big deal at all. In fact, if you have both procedures done at the same time, they’ll probably just cancel each other out pain-wise.
2. How long does it take to see results? I got a huge bruise around my right eye immediately, but I bruise easily because I’m pale and somehow have extra veins and capillaries. The good results started showing up around the fourth day post-injection, just as my bruise was turning a pale yellow. My crows’ feet and scowl lines had definitely softened. When I asked my husband for the third day in a row if he noticed anything new, he asked if I’d lost weight. So I know it wasn’t just a figment of my imagination.
3. Is it true you can’t move your facial muscles afterward? No. You can move them, much in the way an ant can move a rubber tree plant. I emceed a comedy show five days after my treatment and laughed and laughed. Afterward my face was actually tired. Like I’d been lifting weights with my eyebrows and my cheeks had run a half-marathon. And I noticed that squinting to read the small print on things was much harder; but since that’s what led to a lot of my problems in the first place, maybe I should just act like a grown-up and wear my glasses.
4. What does it feel like in the days following the Botox injections? My best description is “heavy.” I felt like I’d had an eyebrow transplant from Cro-Magnon man. Part of this could be that I had my procedure done just as the trees started to bloom in my neighborhood and my allergies kicked in. But there was definitely a feeling that I might have to push my head around in a wheelbarrow.
5. Does it work? In my case, absolutely. I look like I’m seven and three-quarter years younger. When I put my hair in a tight ponytail, I look seven and three-quarters. Except for the wattle under my chin. I tried putting it in a ponytail, but I may have to have some work done there too.
6. How often do you need to do it? The doctor, who, by the way, administers his own Botox injections, said for most people, it’s every three to six months, but that often after eighteen months or so, the muscles may start to relax on their own and you don’t need Botox as often. I guess it’s like obedience training a dog. Eventually, your eye brows and cheek muscles sit and stay on their own.
7. How much did it cost? For my twelve injections (three above each brow and three around the corners of my eyes), the cost was a little over $500. So, if I do this every three months, that will be 2000 smackers a year. I may not be able to squint or frown, but I can still multiply. I guess I’ll have to cancel the cable and learn to live without air conditioning.
8. Will you do it again? Honestly, I don’t know yet. I’m highly trainable and am hoping that instead of waiting a year and a half, my face starts to behave on its own right away. I’m planning to make a motivational tape I can listen to at night while I’m asleep that repeats over and over, “Your face is youthful and line-free. Not to mention that you now speak fluent French.”
9. Do you feel at all guilty about refusing to look your age? No! I work my body out every day with the goal of not looking my age, so why should my face be any different? I’ve tried to get my face up on the elliptical trainer, but it always balks.
10. Couldn’t I get the same results with duct tape? Probably, if you had it applied by a duct tape professional. But I’ve heard they’re just as pricey.
There you have it. Everything you needed to know about Botox. I hope. I can’t actually read what I’ve written here because I usually squint to see my monitor.

