2009 has been an odd year so far. Weird stuff has happened, like me teaching grammar to college students. That's about as expected as me teaching etiquette classes at Ms. Mona's School for Wayward Boys. But I'm doing it and wondering what other unique and unexpected things the new year has in store for me.
I also haven't been sleeping well. You probably haven't either, what with the pink slips flying everywhere (I think the U.S. has turned into a giant snowglobe and instead of snow flakes, we've got lay-off notices). Then there's global warming. And the fact that we won't have George W. Bush to kick around any more.
My insomnia may be more personal. On January 1st, I decided to start cutting my estrogen patches in half -- which, by the way, isn't as easy as it seems because they are tiny and sticky and I am a klutz who is usually not allowed around sharp utensils of any kind. Now I only have half as much estrogen coursing through my veins (or whatever estrogen courses through). Perhaps this is why I feel more assertive and late in the day seem to have the faintest outline of a Johnny Depp goatee.
It's been almost 2-1/2 years since I started taking hormone replacements and I'd really like to stop, but like a cigarette smoker, I've found I'm hooked on the stuff. Several times a day I have to take a break to hang around with younger women just to suck up some of theirs. I'm sure complete strangers don't mind when I give them a full body hug and linger just a little longer than socially acceptable. I also find myself waking up early in the morning needing a fix, so I turn on The View.
Now if only I could find a way to sleep through the night sweats. I thought about filling the tub with ice water and putting an air mattress at the bottom, but the dogs objected. They insist on sleeping with me and let's face it, if the dogs aren't happy, no one's happy. I've tried sleeping with the windows open, which is refreshing on these winter mornings that dip down into the upper teens, but all that cold air tends to turn my sweat into frost and I have trouble turning over when I'm actually frozen to the sheets.
There's also a slight issue of the mood swings coming back. But they are much easier to live with now that I've got the Darth Vader helmet I used as a Halloween costume last year. I wear that to the store and people know not to mess with me.
But I muster on, pioneer that I am. I only hope that my experiments prove useful for all the other women out there who are ready to rip off their patches and face the world sweaty and pissed once again.
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