Get Some Sleep, Will You?

Last week, I read a magazine article on how to stay young-looking, and among the expected advice -- eat well, exercise, don't squint while reading articles on how to stay young-looking -- was this tip, which has has caused me to lose sleep four days in a row : Don't sleep on your side. You'll add fine lines (or in my case, fault lines) and wrinkles to that one side. Not only will you look older than if you sleep on your back, you'll look lopsided.

Yikes! So now I'm not only supposed to worry how I dress, what hairstyle I choose, how often I floss and have my peach-fuzz of a mustache attended to, I also have to concern myself over what goes on while I'm sleeping? As a "curled on my side in the fetal position" type of sleeper, this advice brings up a whole new set of questions about aging I've never had to think about before. For example:

o    If I can't sleep on my back (never have been able to), would my next best option be propping myself up in a doorway? Or would I just end up wrinkle-free, but with bags under the eyes that would cost extra to check in at the airport? Or should I try strapping myself by the ankles and hanging from the closet rod?

o    What if I start off on my back, but out of habit roll towards my side during my sleep? Is there some kind of device to gently nudge me back into the preferred snoozing position? A mini-electrical shock, say, or one of those extreme tire damage-type of devices?

o    If I lie on my back, but a 23-lb. dachshund decides to splay his sleeping form over my eyebrows, will this add to my wrinkles or will it be like a mini-facelift all night long? And what if the other dachshund who will undoubtedly use my exposed stomach as a mini-trampoline to get to the other side of the bed twenty or thirty times during the night? Will the additional abdominal toning make up for the lack of shut-eye?

o    If I smooth enough anti-aging night cream on my face (and neck and chest and shoulders and arms and duodenum...) before retiring to bed, won't that keep my face from sticking to my pillow and creating extra lines? Or do I need a Teflon pillow?

Personally, I think that losing sleep over worrying about what may or may not make you look your age will make you grumpy and friendless. I'm going to stick with my laugh lines and crows feet and sleep in the position that is most comfortable and protects me from leaping wiener dogs. I recommend you do the same.